Standing up for Aunt Netty


The food police are after me. Eat more kale. Desist the consuming of red meat. No more bacon, ham, or sausage. Hostess is out, gluten free is in. Help! Like Gandalf standing in front of the deli counter with staff outstretched proclaiming: “Thou shall not pass,” The World Health Organization has decided my consumption is killing me—and has decided to make it official.

With the impending doom of The Holidays upon me, what’s a stress-eater to do? No more sausage stuffing? No more hot breakfasts with bubbling bacon on the stove top? What’s next, television cooks teaching us how to “bacon-fry” kale to go with our egg-white omelets? What’s the point of family meals if we have to leave feeling both hungry and buoyant? Aren’t November and December the months to pack on the pounds? What will Weight Watchers do when January 1st rolls around and no one signs up? What will Aunt Netty say when we pass on her bacon-stuffed flank steak with sausage gravy?

I think processed/smoked/cured/salted/disguised-with-pimentoes meat consumption is in the Bill of Rights somewhere. Perhaps I can start a special interest group like the NRA or AARP. I’ll call it the RBC, Right to Bear Carcinogens or something equally catchy. Members will have to pledge allegiance to the deli man and to Arby’s. We’ll be a force to reckon with. We’ll send out fliers and clog the airways (as well as our arteries) with our pro smoked-meats stance. We won’t take this lying down.

Well, of course some of us will. I’m thinking of those relatives who will cave and partake in double helpings of Aunt Netty’s specialty.

What’s your stance?

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6 Responses to Standing up for Aunt Netty

  1. mary-jane wright says:

    At eighty-one years of age I say, Eat Up!!

  2. Linda says:

    Well, I eat kale and lots of greens and a good variety of vegetables from my bountiful garden, my husband doesn’t eat any red meat so I only eat it occasionally when out and my most recent cholesterol and trycliceride levels prompted my doctor to suggest I start taking a statin. My mother who also ate a lot of healthy food and exercised regularly was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s at 54 (with no family history). My paternal grandmother lived until almost 98 after a major heart attack at 72 from hypertension. So I take the WHO’s official recommendations with a grain of sea salt

  3. Annette Zamarchi says:

    I am going with the sausage stuffing – leave the turkey, just give me more of the stuffing.

  4. Martha says:

    I want it ALL!!!!!!

  5. Stacey Lee says:

    Pass the meat this way!! Yum!!

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